Miranda: Tell me more about this tween and your ex-husband.
Sandy: Oh, yeah. Oh, I’m sure I exaggerated about that a little bit. I’m sure she’s older, but I’ll have a better idea once all the acne clears up.

Zack: My girlfriend is American, but she is desperate for our child to have a British accent. That’s all she wants. She won’t talk to our child, seriously. I have to read to Katie every night. All the other kids are watching Sesame Street. Our baby is sat down in front of Downton Abbey. You notice I say “girlfriend,” five years, we’re still not married, and, boy, have I asked. It was a struggle enough to get her to update her Facebook profile from “single.” I was like, “Five years, we have a child together. “Couldn’t you at least make it, ‘it’s complicated’?” And it makes it awkward, though, like, how do you introduce each other? When I introduce Kristin, I introduce her as the light of my life, the song of my soul, the mother of my child. And she introduces me as her roommate.

Kristin: I mean, I have her address, I just haven’t had the courage to contact her. I’m really scared.
Jesse: God, of course. That’s… Who wouldn’t be? I mean, that’s crazy. You don’t even know what she’s going to be like. You don’t even know your mother and she has this power over you. You’re going to have to face it sooner or later. You can do it.

Tina: Okay, is something wrong?
Sandy: Yes, something is wrong. I got here an hour early, so I could get a front row seat, and have a perfect camera angle and watch my children. And now you’re sitting right here next to me.
Tina: Because the seat was open.
Sandy: It was for my purse, my purse’s seat, okay? My purse’s seat is right here. God, you cannot just show up here late and then sit there. You just can’t do that. We need… We need boundaries. We need some rules, Tina.
Tina: Rules? Like, sitting in an open seat?
Sandy: I don’t know what the rules are yet, Tina. I don’t know what they are, but I just know we have them, and you’re breaking all of them.

Bradley: Where’d you hear that “pox on my whistle”? What’s that from?
Vicky: Shakespeare.
Bradley: Shakespeare, huh? William Shakespeare?
Vicky: No, Bob Shakespeare. Who else would it…

Rachel: Yeah, being sad all the time, obsessing over soccer so you can get closer to Mom, watching those videos over and over. She’s gone, Dad, and we’re all sad, but for how long? And acting like an asshole with that ref doesn’t help anyone.
Bradley: Hey, watch your language.
Rachel: You know what? Yeah, I cuss. That’s because I’m an unsupervised teen and while I’m at it, I don’t mind taking care of Vicky and doing all the housework and the cooking. Dad, I’m only 16, I have a life.

Bradley: Why are you here? Are you in the psychiatric wing?