Mark<\/b>: Mother, I do not need a blind date. Particularly not with some verbally incontinent spinster who drinks like a fish, smokes like a chimney, and dresses like her mother.<\/p>\n
\n
Bridget<\/b>: Thank you, Daniel, that is very good to know. But if staying here means working within 10 yards of you, frankly, I’d rather have a job wiping Saddam Hussein’s arse.<\/p>\n
\nBridget<\/b>: You once said you liked me just as I am and I just wanted to say likewise. I mean there are stupid things your mum buys you, tonight’s another… classic. You’re haughty, and you always say the wrong thing in every situation and I seriously believe that you should rethink the length of your sideburns. But you’re a nice man, and I like you. If you wanted to pop by some time, that might be nice… more than nice.
\nMark<\/b>: Right, crikey.\n
\n
Bridget<\/b>: It is a truth universally acknowledged that when one part of your life starts going okay, another falls spectacularly to pieces.<\/p>\n
\nDaniel<\/b>: Come on, Bridget, we belong together – you, me, poor little skirt. If I can’t make it with you, then I can’t make it with anyone.
\nBridget<\/b>: That’s not a good enough offer for me.\n
\nShazzer<\/b>:: Introduce people with thoughtful details. Such as: “Sheila, this is Daniel. Daniel, this is Sheila. Sheila enjoys horse-riding and comes from New Zealand. Daniel enjoys publishing and comes…”
\nBridget<\/b>: …all over your face?\n
\n
Bridget<\/b>: Resolution #1: Ugh – will obviously lose 20 lbs. #2: Always put last night’s panties in the laundry basket. Equally important: will find nice sensible boyfriend and stop forming romantic attachments to any of the following: alcoholics, workaholics, sexaholics, commitment-phobics, peeping toms, megalomaniacs, emotional fuckwits, or perverts. Will especially stop fantasizing about a particular person who embodies all these things.<\/p>\n
\nRichard<\/b>: Why do you wanna work on television?
\nBridget<\/b>: I’ve got to leave my job because I shagged my boss.
\nRichard<\/b>: Fair enough. Start on Monday.\nTom<\/b>: Whose side are we on?
\nShazzer<\/b>:: Mark’s, of course. He never dumped Bridget for some naked American.
\nBridget<\/b>: But he did shag Daniel’s fianc\u00e9e and left him broken-hearted.
\nTom<\/b>: You’re right, it’s a tough one to call.\nBridget<\/b>: I owe you an apology about Daniel. He said you ran off with his fianc\u00e9e and left him broken-hearted.
\nMark<\/b>: No, it was the other way around. My wife. My heart.\nJude<\/b>: Just as you are? Not thinner? Not cleverer? Not with slightly bigger breasts or slightly smaller nose?
\nBridget<\/b>: No.
\nShazzer<\/b>:: Well, fuck me.
\nTom<\/b>: This is someone you hate, right?
\nBridget<\/b>: Yes, yes, I hate him.\nTom<\/b>: Well done Bridge, four hours of careful cooking and a feast of blue soup, omelet and marmalade. I think that deserves a toast, don’t you? To Bridget, who cannot cook, but who we love – just as she is.
\nTom<\/b>,\u00a0Shazzer<\/b>,\u00a0Jude<\/b>: To Bridget, just as she is.\nMark<\/b>: All right , outside.
\nDaniel<\/b>: I’m sorry? Outside? Should I bring my dueling pistols or my sword?\nMark<\/b>: I don’t think you’re an idiot at all. I mean, there are elements of the ridiculous about you. Your mother’s pretty interesting. And you really are an appallingly bad public speaker. And, um, you tend to let whatever’s in your head come out of your mouth without much consideration of the consequences. I realize when I met you at the Turkey Curry Buffet that I was unforgivably rude and wearing a reindeer jumper that my mother had given me the day before. But the thing is, um… what I’m trying to say, very inarticulately, is that, um, in fact… perhaps despite appearances, I like you. Very much.
\nBridget<\/b>: Apart from the smoking and the drinking and the vulgar mother… and the verbal diarrhea…
\nMark<\/b>: No, I like you very much. Just as you are.\nBridget<\/b>: Wait a minute… nice boys don’t kiss like that.
\nMark<\/b>: Oh, yes, they fucking do.\n\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
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