Mark: Well, I can always find time to save the world. And Bridget, you’re my world.

Jack: We could be so good for each other. 97%.
Bridget: On paper. But falling in love doesn’t happen on paper. Sometimes you love a person because of all the reasons they’re not like you. And sometimes you love a person just because they feel like home.

Bridget: Can’t go back and keep making same mistakes. Must keep moving forward and make new ones.

Jack: Come on, buddy. Why are you so angry?
Mark: You know what? I’m really not your buddy. And I don’t know about vibes and negative energy or prenatal wind, and even less about algorithms. So, I will confess that the laws of attraction are somewhat beyond me. In fact, Bridget defies comprehension generally. But despite, or perhaps, owing to the bewildering litany of catastrophes I’ve witnessed over the last 40 years, I feel I’ve come to know Bridget rather well, and I’ve spent those years caring for her very deeply. And that may defy automated reasoning, but there’s nothing I can do about it.

Mark: You can do this. You can. We can do it together. Just think what life’s thrown at you already. You’ve turned disasters into triumphs with your sheer, joyful, indefatigable, infectious lust for life. You’ve managed this entire pregnancy almost entirely on your own, despite a lunatic mother, repressed men, and boyfriends who don’t deserve you.

Bridget: What if it’s not yours?
Jack: What?
Bridget: What if the baby turns out to be Mark’s?
Jack: Well, I mean, it would certainly change things.

Bridget: What if it’s not yours?
Mark: Then I’ll love him anyway. Just as I love you. Just the way you were, the way you are, the way you always will be.

Mark: She’s gone back to The Hague, where she’s now living, and I’m not.
Bridget: Oh, I’m so sorry, Mark.
Mark: Right at this precise moment, I’m not sorry at all.

Dr. Rawlings: You don’t really need them, you know. All they’re good for is fitting car seats and blaming things on. They really just get in the way after that. You’re absolutely capable of doing this on your own.

Dr. Rawlings: I do recommend that you have the anmiocentesis because there are always more risks with a geriatric mother.
Bridget: Geriatric? That’s outrageous.
Dr. Rawlings: Indeed.
Bridget: Unless you can sign on for your child support and pension at the same time.

Jack: For better or worse, fate has brought us together.
Mark: It wasn’t fate, it was condoms.
Jack: What do you mean?
Mark: Those ridiculous dolphin-friendly things from the bottom of Bridget’s bag.
Jack: I’m sorry, I have no idea what you’re talking about. When Bridget and I got it on, I was… I was not dressed for the occasion.

Shazzer: Oh, God! You didn’t use those? The vegan condoms?
Bridget: “Biodegradable and dolphin-friendly.” If I’m going to be slutty, it’s nice to think I’m helping the environment.